How to live your life while grieving

Life can change in an instant.

Often, it’s the only way we change. Suddenly. Without warning. Life knows we are sluggish to change.

But this is also the way things work in this Universe. It’s best to let go because it’s all out of our human control.

I woke up Friday morning to a very sick cat. As I was about to walk out the door at 7:40 a.m., I realized something was very wrong with him as I saw him struggling to urinate. I rushed him to the vet — ending up at the walk-in vet as FOUR vet offices were booked solid for the day. The walk-in vet treated and released my sweet baby Rupert. He had a bladder infection but I was cautioned to keep vigilant as he could become blocked at any time. The vet taught me how to check for a blockage with a simple exam. With a medicated cat and armload of Hill’s c/d food, we headed home.

The next morning, Rupert was fine when I woke up. Just about two hours later, we were at the emergency vet, which I drove to in a thunderstorm. Ever take a cat to the vet in a thunderstorm? Not fun at all, especially not in the acute panic state I was in. I had felt a blockage in my cat. His bladder was full and hard. He was visibly blocked as well.

I made a tough decision.

I vow that no animal of mine will suffer and so I made the decision, based on what the emergency vet told me, to end Rupert’s suffering. She was not confident we could save him if she tried and he’d be in pain for days. He would suffer and possibly still not make it. Plus, this could happen again. This is what happens with neutered males and their anatomy. But you can’t not neuter! (Prior to his neutering, Rupert had serious behavioral issues which were fixed immediately upon surgery).

The life of an animal lover is hard because our furry friends don’t live forever.

Rupert was the best friend we could have had. We loved and appreciated him so much in his two short years. I am thankful for the gift I was given. After my cat of 11 years, Alcatraz, passed away in February 2017 passed away — also suddenly — my friend’s cat became pregnant. “Roo” came from that litter. I’ll spare you endless stories of how special he was.

I still have an elderly female cat we refer to as HRH Meeko, a.k.a “The Queen” or “The Boss.” She is heartbroken, naturally. I am awake checking the weather as it will be a storm chasing night with threat of a tornado outbreak here in the Midwest. How can I sleep at a time like this? HRH was asleep though — having a nightmare as evidenced by the noises she was making in her sleep. My sweet baby girl…

I am worn out on all levels. I am grieving. I wish I understood why the loss of a pet is so deep and painful. I’ve sobbed over losing pets much worse than I have for humans in my life. I’ve had many losses; I am used to death. But the soul and bone-shaking sobs I experience now (and with previous pet losses) are like no other grief. Maybe it’s because animals can’t talk. Maybe it’s because the bond we have with them is so unique and special.

But life does go on.

I still have goals and things I want to be doing other than this grief crap. It’s really inconvenient. I am still committed to self-mastery and enhancing my skills daily. I am still committed to my vlog-a-day challenge but now you know why I haven’t vlogged. If you saw the few Instagram stories I did post yesterday, you already know I’m just too sad for the vlog. It’s LOA Monday here and I just kinda sorta came up with a blog post then blew it off to write this one.

I’m therefore not going to go against the flow of things. It’s going to be a big self-care week. I am trying to rest but feeling restless. I’m eating well and taking my supplements in order to care for my physically exhausted body. I cried five hours straight on Saturday. My eyes, sinuses, and headache will have to heal. But if you’ve ever lived in Tornado Alley, you know my headache won’t go away until the storms do. We are on track for a possible outbreak of tornadoes here in Wichita today. I work for the severe weather radio station here. It’s going to be a long day. (At the time of this writing it is 3:00 a.m.)

I’ll keep my haircut appointment and continue eating right. That’s about all I know for now as far as self-care plans. Life cannot stop for grief and I wish I’d known that when I was younger and suffering much bigger losses in my life. I still worked Saturday night as we had a risk of severe weather in our area. But my team is awesome and totally supported me in that choice. I only work with awesome people!

I’ve worked really hard in the month of May and I don’t want to lose that momentum. But I may be a little quiet this week. I may or may not vlog. I may or may not contribute content to Destiny Architecture and hop on the Patreon… I may listen to sappy 1980s power ballads. I don’t know.

But I wanted to blog about what’s going on. I see a lot of people post a blog…then go silent for three months. I just want you to know I’m here. I’m engaged. I may be scarce for a moment. Between feeling my feelings and covering severe weather, it could be quiet around here today. YOU, my community, are still top of mind. If you want to book out next week or beyond, that’s fine. I don’t plan on being too present to coach others while I feel depleted myself. (Though I still have previous commitments I’m keeping this week).

Thank you for your love and support!

a smooth sea never made a skilled sailor..jpg