Ok, so yesterday’s podcast #16 had us talking about legit and not-so-legit fears. Spiders, cross stitch, etc.
Probably the first thing we were all afraid of in life — or at least at some point in life — would be public speaking. Not for me. Nope. I never shied away from a microphone and still don’t! 21 years of radio broadcasting and public speaking here! I’m good!
But I always had a big fear of singing in front of people.
You wouldn’t hear me hum in front of a gnat for the first 28 years of my life… Actually, it came from childhood. I fancied myself a singer like Madonna or Whitney Houston. When it came time to try out for the elementary school chorus, I knew all my dreams were about to come true.
Spoiler alert: they didn’t.
I’m sure I sang, “Happy Birthday,” because I knew all the words, and I’m also sure I sounded like Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem that one time… Ok, maybe it wasn’t quite that bad but I was very enthusiastic. I didn’t make the chorus — or choir — whatever it was called. I was devastated. Instead of proper parenting in which you teach your child to accept defeat and disappointment, my father was incensed that I didn’t make the chorus. He was angry! He was going to go to that school and give them a piece of his mind!
Naturally, I was mortified.
I was sorry I’d brought it up. Nope, no more tears here! Nevermind, I’m fine! I hated the drama that would ensue in my dysfunctional family over anything. So I dried my tears and stuffed the pain of my life’s first disappointment. This laid the groundwork for many horrific behaviors therapy helped undo over the years — like stuffing my feelings.
And this is why this is the FEARLESS 5 Podcast! I’ll share some truly candid and embarrassing stuff like this! Why? Because it’s going to help someone else. Maybe you or someone you know.
But the funny thing is about stuffing your stuff — it’s going to come back stronger later in life. Stuffing doesn’t save you from it. It just delays dealing with it. So when I was 28, my uncle died four years after my mom had from a genetic disorder that runs in my family, CJD. We hadn’t been friends, he and I. But the way I dealt with the grief over his death was to sing. Jesus, I started singing. I found a vocal coach where I lived at the time, in Phoenix, and saw her once a week. I was going to learn to use my damn voice and sing.
Also at the time, I had a safe place to sing at home. I’d sing in the second bedroom shower because it had shared NO walls with my neighbors. So no one could hear me practice. I also lived alone. That shower was literally in the middle of that apartment. It also had great acoustics.
I’ve often, as an adult, dealt with some of my inner child’s scars like this. I had to face the fear of singing. Maybe it’s a dumb thing that has meaning only to me. But it still was something I had to work on.
This month, the download in my Patreon is about this! It’s about helping your inner child be safe and OK. Patrons get the download at Patreon.com/DestinyArchitecture. If you have an inner child issue, check it out. We all have these issues. But we have to face our fears and do the work to get through them!
Listen to the Fearless 5 Podcast #17 here.